Friday, February 11, 2011

Ode to My Friend

There is this one person whom I adore greatly and have known for a long time... and this person is the complete embodiment of the Dominant Paradigm.  Remember that Dominant Paradigm?  You know the one that uses shame, corporal punishment and manipulation as its main driving force?  Well this person, and I truly love this person, is the Dominant Paradigm personified.

This person... I'm trying real hard to keep this person anonymous... and no, it's not you, I know it's not you because this person wouldn't read my blog... I don't think (did I mention how very much I love this person???).  This person actually has a great deal to teach me.  I am constantly reminded to move away from judgment.  I am forever challenged to accept that this person loves their children just as much as I love my own, and yet this person has chosen to follow a more traditional approach with their children (only "traditional" for as long as we choose to hand it down from generation to generation FYI).  And because I have chosen to be surrounded by like-minded, philosophically-aligned people, this person is a lifeline to the Dominant Paradigm that I am so easily shielded from... out of self-preservation.

Believe you me, I have tried to sell this person on the philosophy and I can safely say there is no crack in that Dominant Paradigm wall.  There is no room to hear another approach to raising children.  Perhaps the thing that makes me even sadder is the amount of reading material out there that supports the Dominant Paradigm... and this person's view.

That is to say, this person (and everyone out there like this person) sees their children as a people to be taught the way of required respect, the way of "please and thank you",  the way of making the parent the ultimate judge and jury of how that child ACTS.  For the record, I enjoy my children saying "please" and "thank you" so I model it FOR them, never require it OF them, and they do indeed say it of their own volition.

See, the Dominant Paradigm only values a child based on his or her behavior.  There is judgment around every corner.  And you know the real slippery part about judgment?  It's all based on what the parent believes to be true.  My friend believes that their child (who is under the age of 5) must sit at the table for the amount of time my friend deems correct.  This child must also ask politely to be excused.  This child will then receive a spanking if any or these protocols are not met correctly.  My friend is the judge of the correct time and manner with which their child eats.  If their child doesn't act correctly, or, heaven forbid, "talks back",  then my friend becomes the jury to decide the "consequence" of their child's unwanted behavior.  Dude, when you write it out like that it sounds so harsh.  And yet EVERYONE DOES IT!!!  Yeah, I know I'm perfect with this philosophy (said with dripping sarcasm) and I still can't stand it when my kid barks an order at me.

The DIFFERENCE.... I'm getting all shaky from the height of my soap box right now... the DIFFERENCE is that I will see BEYOND the tone of my child's voice to dig deeper into what is ALIVE in my kid in that moment.  I know my child isn't yelling at me because she is spoiled, disrespectful, defiant, whiny, annoying, a pain in my ass, doing it just to piss me off, or ______________________ (insert Dominant Paradigm judgment statement here). My kid is upset about something, and guess what folks, IT MAY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!!!!  Yep, all my kids have an emotional life that they instinctively react from that has a life of its own.  I KNOW my kids aren't yelling just to get a reaction from me... or at least not yet, that's a pretty high brain function that kids can't really comprehend until 7 or 8 (about the age a child begins to understand death... not that those things are related... or are they...).

If I take the time to hear my child... I mean really, really, really listen to what she's saying (which I won't be able to hear anything until I've taken some time to breath and back away from the slippery slope of my initial reaction of wanting her to 'just stop talking to me like that!'), I can hear that maybe she hasn't eaten since breakfast and I bet she's totally hungry and irrational.  (Show of hands out there if you stay totally calm and rational when your blood sugar has plummeted to the ground...  Yeah, thought so.)  Or maybe her sister just pulled her favorite toy out of her hand and she's really upset about it, or maybe she hasn't seen me all day and she's really upset that I haven't spent any time with her to hear about her day that included a fight with her friend.  What's alive for my child is endless.  I can think of no better way to ruin innate beautiful trust with my daughter than to shut her down completely without ever ONCE finding out what is going on in her life.

Does this sound so crazy??  Is it nuts to want to build a lifelong connection with my child because she knows I will accept her no matter the tone of her voice, or how long she sits at the dinner table??

I'm getting all preachy.  Are you still with me?  Have I turned you off yet?

Because this is going to do it if I haven't lost you already.

Could it be... whew, this is not a judgment... it's a perspective... don't forget I love this person, so in this persons best interest to further their own personal development I must ask...

Is my friend so insecure that they need to have respect shown to them by their child? 

Yeah, it does sound a bit "judgy", BUT is it possible, if we respected and LOVED ourselves, that we wouldn't need the external approval process from others?  If we are secure in our own person, would we care so much what other people thought about our sons wearing pink dresses all day?  Would we care about the looks we'd get at the restaurant because our kid simply was unable to sit for that long?  Could it be that our parents taught us a "tradition" that started because there was no one out there to give THEM the respect they felt they deserved for working their butts off and giving us everything they could afford?
Is it so hard to think we can teach our children to love THEMSELVES so much that they respect us as equals, not as the ultimate authority?

Maybe this is too hard for my friend to think about.  Maybe it's too painful.  Maybe it's scary.

Evolution takes time.

I will learn from my friend.

I will teach my child that there are many different people out there and many different ways people are going to treat each other.

I'm going to teach my child that different beliefs don't mean different levels of love.

And someday my friend will meet my grown daughter and maybe, she'll sit down for a loooong dinner with my friend because she can respect people as people, unconditionally.