Monday, March 7, 2011

What is this permissive crap?!?

So my husband and I are having a very heated conversation in the kitchen one night.  (I realize most of our conversations happen in the kitchen because it seems to be the best landing place after the kids are asleep to actually ingest proper dietary needs and perhaps share a much needed libation.)

So he and I are having this rather animated conversation about the way our children talk to us.  I use the term "talk to us" loosely since there are times when it's more like ordering or screeching or barking or even whining.  Suffice it to say it's incredibly hard to hear.  And SOOOOOOO irritating!

Right, so we both muse how we "would never have spoken to our parents like that".  Well, I actually probably did talk to my parents like that at some point.  My parents were actually pretty laid back about it and eventually I realized it held no power over them to talk to them "that way".  At least that's how I remember it.  I bet my Mom has a different version.

Unfortunately for my poor, poor husband, whenever I hear a concept intrinsic to a person's childhood as it pertains to receiving parenting, my ears prick up and, frankly, I begin to unpack the history.  Trust me, it sounds like a great way to get some therapy IF that's what you're looking for.  I can guarantee you when you are tired and hungry and emotionally spent from a long day with kids, therapy is perhaps the last thing you want from your partner.

And yet, I proceed to unpack (poor, poor husband).

Let's start with the idea that if there is a trigger reaction in you to the sound of your child whining, crying, screaming, or whatever sound they may make, then I'm going to guess you were never allowed to express things in that exact manner when you were a child.  In other words, we are triggered by the very, VERY things we were not allowed to do as children.  So, IF you are trying to parent in a way so as to build an empathetic, emotionally literate, fully realized human being, then they absolutely can have those feelings, it's our job to help guide them as to a constructive way to express those feelings NOT squash them completely.

Imagine.  It might have been nice to have some of those feelings when you were a kid.  Not that it should have been the only way that you could express yourself.  It just might have been nice to know that you were accepted unconditionally.  It might have even motivated you to speak beautifully to your parents with no hurt feelings, or even being able to express hurt feelings in an open and welcoming environment.

What I am trying to unpack is what the experience felt like when we were parented.  In the name of awareness, it's important to have an understanding about what it felt like for us as children, not that our children ARE us, however, it's the closest thing we have to empathy and remembering how things felt.  I have heard more times than I can count ,"I did _______ only once, after that punishment, I never did it again."  And thus the cycle is born.  If we received that punishment and it stopped our unwanted behavior then clearly it worked.  So the whole therapy aspect starts with: "and how is your relationship with that parent?", "are they the kind of person you trust?", "do you think, had they sat you down and spoke with you that perhaps it might have maintained a connection instead of scare you into never doing that again?"

WHICH brings me to the word that then came up.  This word, frankly, makes me cringe.  I cringe at the word because, just like the famous quote from The Princess Bride: 

"You keep using this word.  I do not think it means what you think it means."

Consequences.








I believe people equavilate consequence with punishment.  "There has to be consequences", usually means if a kid does something bad then there has to be a type of punishment.  For example, if a child purposefully breaks a crayon, then the consequence is that the crayons are taken away because clearly that child doesn't know how to play with crayons.








Here's MY take on consequence.  If a child purposely breaks a crayon, then they have a broken crayon.

I am happy to talk to that child and let them know that they now have a broken crayon and see if they can not break them.  I can then say, maybe we can play with markers since those don't break.  I absolutely can take the crayons away, but not as a punishment.  I will guide that child to another solution that, as a consequence, will keep the crayons intact and never once break my connection with that child.

Hmmmm... is this semantical?  No, I do believe it all comes down to how you frame the act.  In both scenarios the child might have the crayons taken away.  One is done as a punishment for a bad behavior, the other is offered as a solution so that child can find a way to be successful.

So how on the green Earth can I stop my child from disrespectfully yelling at me or really doing ANYTHING that grates on my nerves within the Nonviolent philosophy?!?

Ah, ha ha ha ha!  Not so easy, my followers.

Let's start here: Why does holding a limit HAVE to imply authority of the parent?  The simple fact that you are gigantic compared to your child, you feed them and you have exponentially more knowledge intrinsically puts you in a position of power.  Why do we need to drive it home by "showing them who's boss?"  I'm asking you all to have faith that your child knows that, and the lessons we teach need to be about MODELING respect for each other, not creating more subjective situations to prove your ultimate power over them.

Look at it this way.  Ruth Beaglehole is my teacher. She is a founder of this Nonviolent parenting philosophy and a practicer of the philosophy for 50 years starting with a preschool and ultimately using it with her own three children and now grandchildren.  If you're interested: 
Ruth has said her greatest joy is watching her own children parent using the philosophy that she was able to model for them.


I sometimes think about how proud I will be someday as I become a grandparent, knowing that how my children were parented will inform how they themselves parent.  I confess, I don't think I'd be so proud watching them punish their children.  I don't think I'd be proud watching them yell or grab or "time out" their children.  I think I would feel most proud to see them treat their children like little people in the making.  Taking the time to guide and show them, knowing their power as a parent is intrinsic and never having to "prove" THEY are the parent and the child is subservient (with awareness I use "subservient" because the consequence of a person feeling the need to demonstrate power is that the party on the receiving end of the power play feels less than, smaller, weaker, more stupid, powerless, etc).

I was once observing a parenting class where a man sat crying for a long time (this man was huge, like 6'6" and he was a personal trainer - he was the complete example of someone who embodies power) and said, "My children do everything I ask them to do... because they are terrified of me."  It was killing him that he had beaten them (maybe not with his hands, but certainly with his voice and demeanor) to obey him.

And isn't that the ultimate sign of a "good kid" - how well they listen and do what you ask of them? What if you could achieve that using respect and kindness?  Isn't that what some of the ultimate teachers of nonviolence teach us?  And the ultimate teachers are people like Buddha, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Jesus.  The ultimate teachers of peace and harmony, preaching love and connection without violent acts or thoughts.  Violence = anything that hurts the mind, body or spirit of another human being.

I can hold a limit without punishment.  I can indeed take those crayons away from my child who's breaking them in a way that doesn't feel punitive.  It can be educational AND I am letting them know that I will help them, guide them, teach them.  I can tell my child "It's so hard to hear what you need while you're yelling at me.  I'm happy to wait here until we can have a conversation." And I will wait there, maybe for a long time, maybe while my kid keeps screaming and being upset and I'm gonna breathe real deep.  Then, when their brain is regulated, we can continue.  Many studies are showing how detrimental constant exposure to cortisol (aka "the stress hormone") can be on the human brain and body: 












http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/cortisol.htm  
And in children, chronically high cortisol levels have been associated with learning and behavioral problems, immune suppression and even brain damage.  In the developing brains of children, the stress hormone can further prevent the proper formation of neural pathways.  Here's a link to a related topic worth reading: http://www.findcounseling.com/help/news/2008/02/childrens_stress_hormones_indicate_quality_of_child_care.html





I want to help my child learn how to regulate in our high stress world.  And once we are both in a place where we have regulated, then I will tell them about our family.  That we need to be able to respect each other.  We need to find a way to talk to each other that allows us to hear what we need.  Screaming is not a strategy that is going to work.  Are you able to tell me what you need now?  Let's see if, next time, you can tell me what you need in a way that I'm able to fully hear you. For the record, my tone is not antagonizing.  I am usually face to face with my child, or my child is on my lap. I speak calmly, modeling the way I would like them to speak to me.  I say this as non-threatening as possible.  I'm guiding, NOT overpowering.

This talk may happen a few times.  We may need to find new and new ways to talk to each other.  And then one day I hear my soon-to-be 7 year-old say to my screaming 5 year-old in a calm tone."I don't understand what you need.  It's hard to hear you when you're screaming at me.  What do you need?!?".

This is not permissive just because it embodies love and connection.  Gandhi stopped WARS using nonviolence.  Surely I can use it to stop my kid from yelling at me.