Have you noticed how incredibly inconvenient your child's moods are?!? Have you found yourself saying, "Not now!", or in a sarcastic tone, "Oh, why don't you cry about it?", or "I don't have time for your pouting!"
I'm not making any of these things up. I have heard all those things said to children. Okay, there's a very slight chance I may have uttered one of the above phrases in one of my weaker moments. I'm not perfect, okay? This stuff is really hard sometimes and almost ALL the time, my children's feelings are incredibly inconvenient.
However, I have also learned that my dismissal of those feelings results in a rupture with that child almost every time. AND has an added benefit that it will most assuredly be repeated back to that child by another child who witnessed the whole exchange.
Honestly, that's my biggest clue that I have forgotten to take the time with my kids. When I hear them speaking and saying things to each other in a tone or phrase that feels unsavory to my senses, then odds are they are merely parroting back what they've heard out of my mouth (or perhaps the other adult that lives with us... I'm not naming any names.).
"So in everything..." the whole idea of this philosophy is basically "do to others what you would have them do to you"... I've heard that before, but where? Oh right, the Bible. Thems is some old words of wisdom. And nonviolence, I might add.
If you as an adult were hungry and upset because your sister just took away your cell phone (or for a child, a favorite toy) and then your husband walked in and said, "I don't have time for your pouting", how exactly would that feel to you? I'll lead us off with some feeling words: hurt, aggravated, irritated, bitter, infuriated, disappointed, maybe sad or embarrassed. I think it's safe to assume that hubby just completely discounted our feelings AND the scenario that led up to the all triggering "pout".
Okay, same scenario and this time hubby walks in, walks up to you with a concerned look on his face, perhaps puts his hands gently on your shoulders and says, "Honey, you look really sad. Are you okay? Did something just happen?" And he listens carefully as you explain. Perhaps, he even knew that you haven't eaten in a while so he says, "Baby, why don't we sit down and eat some cheese and crackers while we talk about this. I'd really like to know what your feeling and why."
Dreamy husband, no? Aaaaaaaand there will be those of you who will find this husband annoying. For you, I would think about what kind of husband you would like? At the very least, do you really want the dismissive husband? If the answer to that is no, then humor me and go along with my ever rambling point.
What if we threw a wrench in the whole thing and put a time limit on the entire scenario. You are supposed to be at a doctors appointment in the next 20 minutes. Same scenario with hubby being genuinely concerned and connected to us, only this time he adds, "Sweetheart, let's take some of these crackers in the car so we can keep talking. We have an appointment in a few minutes and I really want to make sure you're feeling comfortable when we get there. Would you be willing to tell me more while we drive there?"
Who invented this husband?!? I want one.
(Confession: I actually have a hubby a lot like this one. He has taught me a thing or two about patience.)
This isn't so crazy a scenario, is it? Do we really need to discount the feelings of our child because we are inconvenienced? Is it REALLY inconvenience or are we judging the behavior as inappropriate and so we just want it to end?
Someday, I would like my child to have a life partner. I want them to choose a person that takes their whole being into consideration. I want them to be loved unconditionally because they deserve it. They do deserve it, no matter how inconvenient they may be at 3 or 10 or 16, they deserve people in their life who take the time to see them as an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, whole and complete human being. And I believe they won't realize those things for themselves if it's not shown to them that they deserve it from the beginning of their lives, unconditionally.
The power of modeling (not at all in the America's Next Top Model way!). Practice what we preach. BE the person we want our children to be.
How can we yell at our children and not expect them to yell at us, or each other? How can we spank, swat, flick, ear pinch or back hand and expect that our children will refrain from hitting another child? How can we disrespect our children and turn around and demand respect from THEM?
"To be the change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi
