More blog posts. Just for you, dear reader.
My #2... that's my middle daughter (not a reference to something... else), is currently 5 3/4 years old and she is smack in the middle of a rather gnarly brain growth. Remember what happens during a brain growth?
Don't answer all at once.
Every time there's a neural explosion there is ALWAYS a regression. ALWAYS.
She has regressed.
She has started using old strategies of hitting and screaming. These are behaviors I haven't seen in about a year. And you know what else is happening? She's reading. Yep, the brain made room for decoding these strange symbols you are looking at right now. Only, it clearly had to make room by temporarily pushing out neural information she has already learned.
I know this stuff 'cause it's my job to know what is happening to the developing brain.
I know this stuff AND it's still frustrating as hell to deal with!!!!
I breath, I dance around, I sing, anything to get my brain regulated while my #2 (don't snigger) uses these rather unsavory strategies on my #1. So far I haven't witnessed my #2 use these rather physical techniques on #3 who is 2 1/2. I have my sneaking suspicion that #2 is perhaps a bit envious of #1's ability to read and be generally older.
Even with my crazy methods of regulation, I have a hard time accepting these behaviors.
However, what I DO have is practice dealing with this specific behavior before. So when I get flooded, disregulated and pissed off, I can more easily cope. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying 'easy' because it's easy. It's so polar opposite of easy. I said "more easily", meaning I no longer fly off the handle and stay disregulated for long stretches of time like I did when this behavior was around before.
I can "more easily" recognize I'm flooded. And, being able to recognize it, now I can start taking steps to move through it without causing a rupture between myself and my child... hopefully.
I'm not going to pretend I have a quick solution for you as to how you will handle your own disregulation. What I do have is a little tool that might help ease the situation, and maybe, eventually, stop the need for aggressive behaviors by your child.
Daniel Siegel has an acronym: COAL: Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance, Love.
Try it next time your kid does something unsavory.
Stave from judgment, stave from anger, stave from frustration.
Lead the exchange with curiosity. "Hey, what happened? What was that for you? Why are you so angry? I'm wondering if you're really upset with your sister right now? Are you okay?" Every single one of these questions is said with genuine curiosity. Not sarcasm, or snarky-ness. Genuine questions while approaching my child with genuine curiosity and connection.
Seriously.
Try it.
When you feel triggered, angry or anything else that creates an autonomic response in your body in the negative, make your next move towards curiosity. Even if it's self-reflection about, "why am I so angry right now?".
Be curious with your child. It might just make the next unsavory behavior have meaning and perhaps even alleviate the need for your child to ever do it again because you heard them.
Being heard is a core human need.
Think of it as teaching your child how to meet their own needs... without hitting someone to get it.
Side note:
Have you heard my new podcast?!?!
It's called Shift the Focus Podcast
We discuss all this stuff on the air. Get it on itunes
You've read the things I've said, now you can hear them for yourself.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
You tell me.
Here's a game. I just read an article from Parenting magazine.
The article was headed by the following photo:
Can you see where this might be going????
Let's play a game. Let's see if you can name the strategy used, in ALL instances, to get the kid to do what The Parent wants them to do.
Here we go.
In response to a query of what to do to keep a toddler (implying a child of 2 or so, an age where they live in the EMOTIONAL CENTER of their brain and have no capability to understand reasoning - that doesn't kick in until they are 5 or 6) from throwing food while in their high chair:
What to do: "With my kids, I said, 'Okay, you're cleaning it up,'" recalls Christine D'Amico, a San Diego mom of three, ages 7, 5, and 2. "Have your child live with the consequences of his actions. Don't help until he's at least made a good attempt to clean it up -- even though it'll probably lead to lots of crying and whining."
Hmmmmm, there's that word "consequences". That's awesome. Let the two-year old clean it up without any help EVEN if they are crying and whining.
I'm thinking, there's a little withdraw of love technique going on here. Basically the mom is saying, "I don't want to be with you until you do what I want you to do"... to a 2 year-old. Oddly, there's nothing in there that looks for the child's need. The child should (my least favorite word) do what The Parent wants them to do, regardless of the fact that that child may want to play, or pee, or get the hell out of the torture device called a high chair.
Okay, another...
This in response to a 3 year-old (mind you, still living in the emotional center and NOT in the rational part of their brain) who climbs on everything...
What to do: Try close eye contact accompanied by a gentle but serious tone. That's what's effective for Lu Hanessian, the Cherry Hill, New Jersey, mom of Nicholas, 5, and Ben, 2, and author of Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood. "Once, Ben climbed up on top of our grand piano and just laughed at me," she recalls. "I got really close, stared him down, and said, 'Don't get on there again or you'll get really hurt.' Then I removed him, and he hasn't done it since."
Alright. Why the hell did that kid laugh?!? BECAUSE HE CLIMBED THE PIANO!!!! It was so cool to be on top of that most awesome grand piano. The mother however, claims he "just laughed at me". I'm thinking her thought is it was maniacal laughter at her because he "knew" he wasn't supposed to to that.
So then the woman "stared him down". REALLY?!? A three year-old. THEN she threatened him. Yeah, yeah, the adult brain justifies that by her saying "or you'll get really hurt" - implying he'll fall or something. To a child, who lacks the ability to make rational connections, how do you think HE heard it?! You know why he didn't do it again? He was TERRIFIED!!! Fear. That's a really crappy thing to make your child feel towards the one person in the world who is supposed to make him feel safe.
Oh and this...
Taking your child to a quiet place can also help when you're on sensory overload. It's more like a breather than a traditional time-out.
Is it really more like a breather? You sure it's not a time out said in a friendly way? Maybe I'm just sensitive at this point, but I don't think people are going to use it as a "breather". Alfie Kohn says "Yes, time-out is better than spanking... then again, spanking is better than shooting your kid." A "breather", huh?
I sound hostile, don't I? I'm just so upset that people are reading this article as the gospel. They are trying to find simple ways to make it stop instead of learning who their children are. Or worse, they believe they are learning their children are manipulative little devils because they are judging these children on 'behaviors'.
Please, my dear followers, what is a 'behavior'?!?
It's a strategy to meet a need!!! The 'behavior' can suck, but they will never, ever, ever, ever, ever learn to trust us completely or create new respectful strategies until we can guide them to understand their underlying needs.
Grrrrrr.
And lastly...
Or you can try the hard-line approach: "My then three-year-old would get really mad about having to get dressed in the morning and went into big crying fits," says D'Amico, "so I started telling him, 'If you make a fuss when I ask you to get dressed right before we go out, I am going to make you get dressed the second you get up. When you can do that without any fussing for a week, you can go back to getting dressed right before we go.' "
A week. For a three year-old. Aren't days like dog years for children? And if the kid "fusses" then you set the clock back and threaten him? It sure smells like punishment, no? Um, geez Mom with a terrified "then three-year-old", any idea why your kid is crying? I'm wondering if YOU think it's because he's being manipulative and difficult? I'm wondering if YOU think he's doing it just to make your life miserable.
Not that you asked me Mom, I think I know why your kid is crying. Perhaps because he is terrified you'll manipulate HIM to be good in the store. He's terrified he might do something wrong while you're out and he'll get in trouble and be "stared down" or put in a "breather" or "have to clean it up" while you stand over him and watch until you are sufficiently satisfied. Or maybe, Mom, he just wants to be home with his toys because he's tired/hungry/his stomach hurts/he's happy where he is/he hates wearing those damn shoes/he has to take a crap. And you'll never know Mom, because you just want to threaten him to simply behave the way YOU want him to behave.
Too bad, Mom, you might completely miss something so alive and wonderful underlying 'bad behaviors'. You have no idea how deep and life-lasting a connection you can make with your child if you see them as always expressing needs instead of being annoying and whiny.
And, dear Parenting magazine... that picture?! Really? Highly, HIGHLY offensive.
Yuck.
The article was headed by the following photo:
Can you see where this might be going????
Let's play a game. Let's see if you can name the strategy used, in ALL instances, to get the kid to do what The Parent wants them to do.
Here we go.
In response to a query of what to do to keep a toddler (implying a child of 2 or so, an age where they live in the EMOTIONAL CENTER of their brain and have no capability to understand reasoning - that doesn't kick in until they are 5 or 6) from throwing food while in their high chair:
What to do: "With my kids, I said, 'Okay, you're cleaning it up,'" recalls Christine D'Amico, a San Diego mom of three, ages 7, 5, and 2. "Have your child live with the consequences of his actions. Don't help until he's at least made a good attempt to clean it up -- even though it'll probably lead to lots of crying and whining."
Hmmmmm, there's that word "consequences". That's awesome. Let the two-year old clean it up without any help EVEN if they are crying and whining.
I'm thinking, there's a little withdraw of love technique going on here. Basically the mom is saying, "I don't want to be with you until you do what I want you to do"... to a 2 year-old. Oddly, there's nothing in there that looks for the child's need. The child should (my least favorite word) do what The Parent wants them to do, regardless of the fact that that child may want to play, or pee, or get the hell out of the torture device called a high chair.
Okay, another...
This in response to a 3 year-old (mind you, still living in the emotional center and NOT in the rational part of their brain) who climbs on everything...
What to do: Try close eye contact accompanied by a gentle but serious tone. That's what's effective for Lu Hanessian, the Cherry Hill, New Jersey, mom of Nicholas, 5, and Ben, 2, and author of Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood. "Once, Ben climbed up on top of our grand piano and just laughed at me," she recalls. "I got really close, stared him down, and said, 'Don't get on there again or you'll get really hurt.' Then I removed him, and he hasn't done it since."
Alright. Why the hell did that kid laugh?!? BECAUSE HE CLIMBED THE PIANO!!!! It was so cool to be on top of that most awesome grand piano. The mother however, claims he "just laughed at me". I'm thinking her thought is it was maniacal laughter at her because he "knew" he wasn't supposed to to that.
So then the woman "stared him down". REALLY?!? A three year-old. THEN she threatened him. Yeah, yeah, the adult brain justifies that by her saying "or you'll get really hurt" - implying he'll fall or something. To a child, who lacks the ability to make rational connections, how do you think HE heard it?! You know why he didn't do it again? He was TERRIFIED!!! Fear. That's a really crappy thing to make your child feel towards the one person in the world who is supposed to make him feel safe.
Oh and this...
Taking your child to a quiet place can also help when you're on sensory overload. It's more like a breather than a traditional time-out.
Is it really more like a breather? You sure it's not a time out said in a friendly way? Maybe I'm just sensitive at this point, but I don't think people are going to use it as a "breather". Alfie Kohn says "Yes, time-out is better than spanking... then again, spanking is better than shooting your kid." A "breather", huh?
I sound hostile, don't I? I'm just so upset that people are reading this article as the gospel. They are trying to find simple ways to make it stop instead of learning who their children are. Or worse, they believe they are learning their children are manipulative little devils because they are judging these children on 'behaviors'.
Please, my dear followers, what is a 'behavior'?!?
It's a strategy to meet a need!!! The 'behavior' can suck, but they will never, ever, ever, ever, ever learn to trust us completely or create new respectful strategies until we can guide them to understand their underlying needs.
Grrrrrr.
And lastly...
Or you can try the hard-line approach: "My then three-year-old would get really mad about having to get dressed in the morning and went into big crying fits," says D'Amico, "so I started telling him, 'If you make a fuss when I ask you to get dressed right before we go out, I am going to make you get dressed the second you get up. When you can do that without any fussing for a week, you can go back to getting dressed right before we go.' "
A week. For a three year-old. Aren't days like dog years for children? And if the kid "fusses" then you set the clock back and threaten him? It sure smells like punishment, no? Um, geez Mom with a terrified "then three-year-old", any idea why your kid is crying? I'm wondering if YOU think it's because he's being manipulative and difficult? I'm wondering if YOU think he's doing it just to make your life miserable.
Not that you asked me Mom, I think I know why your kid is crying. Perhaps because he is terrified you'll manipulate HIM to be good in the store. He's terrified he might do something wrong while you're out and he'll get in trouble and be "stared down" or put in a "breather" or "have to clean it up" while you stand over him and watch until you are sufficiently satisfied. Or maybe, Mom, he just wants to be home with his toys because he's tired/hungry/his stomach hurts/he's happy where he is/he hates wearing those damn shoes/he has to take a crap. And you'll never know Mom, because you just want to threaten him to simply behave the way YOU want him to behave.
Too bad, Mom, you might completely miss something so alive and wonderful underlying 'bad behaviors'. You have no idea how deep and life-lasting a connection you can make with your child if you see them as always expressing needs instead of being annoying and whiny.
And, dear Parenting magazine... that picture?! Really? Highly, HIGHLY offensive.
Yuck.
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