Wherefore art thou Dominant Paradigm?

Did you know that Juliet, when she says her most famous line, is actually asking Romeo why his family name has to be Montague?  You may have already known that (smarty pants), yet there are a lot of people who think it means, "Where are you, Romeo?"

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo!
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny they father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.            

Act II, Scene II = my case and point.

I must warn you, I need to do a little schooling here (as if I didn't just give you a classical theatre schooling).  I must explain this dominant paradigm thing, so get comfy and go on this journey with me for just a bit.

When I teach I always say, "Does everyone know what a paradigm is?"  I swear it's not as if I think you don't know, and yet there are many who don't.  So, for those of you who are questioning, here is the definition: the third definition as stated by Dictionary.com (my best friend since my spelling is atrocious... see, I had to look up atrocious to make sure I spelled it right):  an example serving as a model; pattern.

The philosophy I teach is called the Nonviolent Paradigm.  The paradigm that is the most prevalent and common belief system is referred to as the Dominant Paradigm. The Dominant Paradigm is a pattern of most practiced (and accepted) beliefs that have three modus operandi:

1) Corporal punishment.  This is going to be SO in your face and I'm SO going to say it anyway, if a person hits their spouse, that is called domestic abuse.  If a person hits a stranger on the street that is called assult.  If a person hits an animal, that's called animal cruelty.  If a person hits a child, it's called spanking.

Whew, I don't usually unload that on people when we first meet, however, it packs a punch... yeah, that's funny.

In the State of California, you cannot call it child abuse unless you leave a mark, so, by that standard, spanking is a-okay as long as there ain't no mark to show for it.  Cool, right?

Blech.

Okay onto...

2) Shame.  (Your little sister can do it, why can't you?  Stop acting like such a baby. Only little boys wear diapers.)  In essence anything that makes a kid feel like an inferior being.

and lastly... oh, boy, this is a super big one.

3) Manipulation.  That is where that bloody "if statement" lives.  Oh, and rewards.  Yeah, like, I know it's super cool to give a kid a cookie or a sticker or a big fat "Good Job!" when they've done something we think is totally awesome.  Studies are starting to prove ladies and gents, that it is detrimental for a child's intrinsic desire to learn further or to think outside the box and it even brings fear that they will fail. As a side note check out this article, 'tis my all-time favorite from Alfie Kohn: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm   Read it later, it's okay, just wait for me to finish my verbose points and then go back and check it out.  Okay?  Please?

Let's take a deep breath.  This is a lot to digest.  And I do hope you will keep reading because I have a nifty little story that ties right into all that stuff.  Follow me....

So my oldest daughter... who, for purposes of clarity and ease, I will now always refer to her as...#1 (not in a praisy fashion, it's simply a marker emphasizing the point that she is indeed my first born).  Now, #1 is taking this fantastic Shakespeare workshop that I, in my high and mighty staunch following of this philosophy, approve of almost 100% of the time. Except there's this "time out" thing they do that I really need to talk to the teacher about....

#1 LOVES this workshop.  It's really physical and silly and they learn all about Shakespeare and the time that he lived and Queen Elizabeth.  Great fun stuff.  And then, at the end of this 10 week workshop there will be a play that has been immensely condensed and still maintains the true venacular of Shakespeare (thumbs up!).

#1 got a pretty large roll, lots of lines and LOTS of tricky Shakespearian words.  She's supposed to have her role memorized before the play must go on (I said that on purpose).  Let's keep in mind that #1 is 6 and three quarters years old... she's gonna be 7 real soon.  I know where she is developmentally because I have studied the brain and all of it's mighty, mighty developments (like the human brain is born with only 20% of it full capacity, and it will furiously grow to 90% it's capacity by around 5 or 6!!!!  AND the brain doesn't stop trying to reach full capacity until 26!!!  Seriously, isn't that amazing sh@#?!?).
Now I need to take a breath, I find this stuff so exciting... am I alone in that?

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so all these complicated lines and really, what 6 year old doesn't have the attention span of a gnat.  I mean, she's got way more attention than #3 (she's 17 months old), and still it's hard to sit for copious amounts of time and memorize Shakespeare.  I have known 30 year-olds who have difficulty learning Shakespeare... and it wasn't me, I swear!

Here was my conundrum, #1 had ZERO desire to sit down and read the script (which is, let's face it, pretty dry reading if you don't have much experience reading AT ALL, much less Shakespeare).

I didn't want to force her because I knew if I MADE her sit down and read she'd be miserable and I would instantly create a hate of learning, Shakespeare, Mommy, sitting and reading and Mommy.  Catch my drift?  What I did observe is when she was in class, she would, with great gusto, read her lines as best as her little 6 year-old comprehensive skills were able to do.  She loved interacting with the other kids and she could viscerally experience what it felt like to play onstage with someone else.

Now, the dominant paradigm might have a lot to say about this:
"You'd better learn this or you're gonna look silly on that stage..." or
"All you friends have learned their lines, you're going to be the only one still on script..." or
"Fine.  If you don't want to sit down and take the time to learn them then we just won't go..."

I'm sure you can think of a few more statements steeped in the Dominant Paradigm.  However, in the interest of MY OWN attention span...

Cut to the evening of the workshop, they are working on the script, the deadline to have lines memorized is close at hand, #1 hasn't even read the entire script yet.  I'm sweating bullets because I'm terrified that she will become shy and feel inadequate.  However, I also knew, if she would get up there and see some of the older kids having fun with the lines and saying them with little to no effort, then the concept of learning lines would actually be modeled for her.  She could actually experience the result without me trying to talk and talk and talk to make her understand which might very well make her hate the whole world of theatre or Shakespeare or Mommy or learning or Mommy (this sound familiar?).

My little girl got up on that stage and tried to read those complicated lines like a champ, her spirit totally intact.  She read them PAINSTAKINGLY slow, and just made up words that she thought might be right when she didn't know how to pronounce a word.  It was painful for me to watch, though she stayed with it with a tenacity that I could NEVER have preached to her.  She was motivating herself!

I learned from her confidence, too.  I was really afraid of OTHER people's judgment on me for not going over the lines with her.  And watching her filled me with so much love and admiration for this child that wasn't going to succumb to the judgments of others, she was taking flight and confident that she would land on her feet.

I'm all weepy.  Give me a minute....
(sniff)

Okay.

We get in the car to go home and get this, #1 says, "I need to read these lines more.  Mommy maybe we can read the lines together while we eat dinner."  I kid you not.  She found it for herself, she still loved me and, hallelujah, she's going to LEARN THOSE LINES because she wants to, not because I forced her to.

It's a leap of faith, this parenting style.  It scares the pants off of you... and perhaps that's because we put too little faith in our offspring.

Call this philosophy what you will, I will call it a parenting style from the heart built on love and trust and connection.

Romeo: With love's light wings did I o'er perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out:
And what love can do, that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kindsmen are no let to me.