You tell me.

Here's a game.  I just read an article from Parenting magazine.
The article was headed by the following photo:







Can you see where this might be going????


Let's play a game.  Let's see if you can name the strategy used, in ALL instances, to get the kid to do what The Parent wants them to do.


Here we go.

In response to a query of what to do to keep a toddler (implying a child of 2 or so, an age where they live in the EMOTIONAL CENTER of their brain and have no capability to understand reasoning - that doesn't kick in until they are 5 or 6) from throwing food while in their high chair:

What to do: "With my kids, I said, 'Okay, you're cleaning it up,'" recalls Christine D'Amico, a San Diego mom of three, ages 7, 5, and 2. "Have your child live with the consequences of his actions. Don't help until he's at least made a good attempt to clean it up  -- even though it'll probably lead to lots of crying and whining."

Hmmmmm, there's that word "consequences".  That's awesome.  Let the two-year old clean it up without any help EVEN if they are crying and whining.

I'm thinking, there's a little withdraw of love technique going on here.  Basically the mom is saying, "I don't want to be with you until you do what I want you to do"... to a 2 year-old.  Oddly, there's nothing in there that looks for the child's need.  The child should (my least favorite word) do what The Parent wants them to do, regardless of the fact that that child may want to play, or pee, or get the hell out of the torture device called a high chair.


Okay, another...

This in response to a 3 year-old (mind you, still living in the emotional center and NOT in the rational part of their brain) who climbs on everything...

What to do: Try close eye contact accompanied by a gentle but serious tone. That's what's effective for Lu Hanessian, the Cherry Hill, New Jersey, mom of Nicholas, 5, and Ben, 2, and author of Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood. "Once, Ben climbed up on top of our grand piano and just laughed at me," she recalls. "I got really close, stared him down, and said, 'Don't get on there again or you'll get really hurt.' Then I removed him, and he hasn't done it since."

Alright.  Why the hell did that kid laugh?!?  BECAUSE HE CLIMBED THE PIANO!!!!  It was so cool to be on top of that most awesome grand piano.  The mother however, claims he "just laughed at me".  I'm thinking her thought is it was maniacal laughter at her because he "knew" he wasn't supposed to to that.


So then the woman "stared him down".  REALLY?!?  A three year-old.  THEN she threatened him.  Yeah, yeah, the adult brain justifies that by her saying "or you'll get really hurt" - implying he'll fall or something.  To a child, who lacks the ability to make rational connections, how do you think HE heard it?!  You know why he didn't do it again?  He was TERRIFIED!!!  Fear.  That's a really crappy thing to make your child feel towards the one person in the world who is supposed to make him feel safe.


Oh and this...

Taking your child to a quiet place can also help when you're on sensory overload. It's more like a breather than a traditional time-out.

Is it really more like a breather?  You sure it's not a time out said in a friendly way?  Maybe I'm just sensitive at this point, but I don't think people are going to use it as a "breather".  Alfie Kohn says "Yes, time-out is better than spanking... then again, spanking is better than shooting your kid."  A "breather", huh?

I sound hostile, don't I?  I'm just so upset that people are reading this article as the gospel.  They are trying to find simple ways to make it stop instead of learning who their children are.  Or worse, they believe they are learning their children are manipulative little devils because they are judging these children on 'behaviors'.

Please, my dear followers, what is a 'behavior'?!?

It's a strategy to meet a need!!!  The 'behavior' can suck, but they will never, ever, ever, ever, ever learn to trust us completely or create new respectful strategies until we can guide them to understand their underlying needs.

Grrrrrr.


And lastly...

Or you can try the hard-line approach: "My then three-year-old would get really mad about having to get dressed in the morning and went into big crying fits," says D'Amico, "so I started telling him, 'If you make a fuss when I ask you to get dressed right before we go out, I am going to make you get dressed the second you get up. When you can do that without any fussing for a week, you can go back to getting dressed right before we go.' "

A week.  For a three year-old.  Aren't days like dog years for children?  And if the kid "fusses" then you set the clock back and threaten him?  It sure smells like punishment, no?  Um, geez Mom with a terrified "then three-year-old", any idea why your kid is crying?  I'm wondering if YOU think it's because he's being manipulative and difficult?  I'm wondering if YOU think he's doing it just to make your life miserable.

Not that you asked me Mom, I think I know why your kid is crying.  Perhaps because he is terrified you'll manipulate HIM to be good in the store.  He's terrified he might do something wrong while you're out and he'll get in trouble and be "stared down" or put in a "breather" or "have to clean it up" while you stand over him and watch until you are sufficiently satisfied.  Or maybe, Mom, he just wants to be home with his toys because he's tired/hungry/his stomach hurts/he's happy where he is/he hates wearing those damn shoes/he has to take a crap.  And you'll never know Mom, because you just want to threaten him to simply behave the way YOU want him to behave.

Too bad, Mom, you might completely miss something so alive and wonderful underlying 'bad behaviors'.  You have no idea how deep and life-lasting a connection you can make with your child if you see them as always expressing needs instead of being annoying and whiny.

And, dear Parenting magazine... that picture?!  Really?  Highly, HIGHLY offensive.
Yuck.