Getting back in the game...

More blog posts.  Just for you, dear reader.

My #2... that's my middle daughter (not a reference to something... else), is currently 5 3/4 years old and she is smack in the middle of a rather gnarly brain growth.  Remember what happens during a brain growth?

Don't answer all at once.

Every time there's a neural explosion there is ALWAYS a regression.  ALWAYS.

She has regressed.

She has started using old strategies of hitting and screaming.  These are behaviors I haven't seen in about a year.  And you know what else is happening?  She's reading.  Yep, the brain made room for decoding these strange symbols you are looking at right now.  Only, it clearly had to make room by temporarily pushing out neural information she has already learned.

I know this stuff 'cause it's my job to know what is happening to the developing brain.

I know this stuff AND it's still frustrating as hell to deal with!!!!

I breath, I dance around, I sing, anything to get my brain regulated while my #2 (don't snigger) uses these rather unsavory strategies on my #1.  So far I haven't witnessed my #2 use these rather physical techniques on #3 who is 2 1/2.  I have my sneaking suspicion that #2 is perhaps a bit envious of #1's ability to read and be generally older.

Even with my crazy methods of regulation, I have a hard time accepting these behaviors.
However, what I DO have is practice dealing with this specific behavior before.  So when I get flooded, disregulated and pissed off, I can more easily cope.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying 'easy' because it's easy.  It's so polar opposite of easy.  I said "more easily", meaning I no longer fly off the handle and stay disregulated for long stretches of time like I did when this behavior was around before.

I can "more easily" recognize I'm flooded.  And, being able to recognize it, now I can start taking steps to move through it without causing a rupture between myself and my child... hopefully.

I'm not going to pretend I have a quick solution for you as to how you will handle your own disregulation.  What I do have is a little tool that might help ease the situation, and maybe, eventually, stop the need for aggressive behaviors by your child.

Daniel Siegel has an acronym: COAL: Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance, Love. 

Try it next time your kid does something unsavory.

Stave from judgment, stave from anger, stave from frustration.

Lead the exchange with curiosity.  "Hey, what happened?  What was that for you?  Why are you so angry?  I'm wondering if you're really upset with your sister right now? Are you okay?"  Every single one of these questions is said with genuine curiosity.  Not sarcasm, or snarky-ness.  Genuine questions while approaching my child with genuine curiosity and connection.

Seriously.
Try it.

When you feel triggered, angry or anything else that creates an autonomic response in your body in the negative, make your next move towards curiosity.  Even if it's self-reflection about, "why am I so angry right now?".

Be curious with your child.  It might just make the next unsavory behavior have meaning and perhaps even alleviate the need for your child to ever do it again because you heard them.

Being heard is a core human need.

Think of it as teaching your child how to meet their own needs... without hitting someone to get it.

Side note:

Have you heard my new podcast?!?!


It's called Shift the Focus Podcast

We discuss all this stuff on the air.  Get it on itunes
You've read the things I've said, now you can hear them for yourself.